Ah, Curiosity...

I’m too curious for my own good, I’ll admit that. However, in my defense, there is never anything vicious about my nosiness – I am purely addicted to other people’s life stories, I always have been… even when I was little, before I really knew how to be nosy, I was curious about others… even people I didn’t know. When we would go on road trips to some new place, I would often entertain myself by making up stories about the people who lived in the houses that we passed. I happen to think that part of my curiosity is due to the unfulfilled dream of being a writer. Sounds good anyway…

Facebook, Twitter & blogs have done nothing but feed my curiosity. And how many of you can honestly say that you’ve never checked out people you know on one of these sites? Not me… Once again, I’m too curious (ahem, nosy)… please keep in mind that I don’t stalk anyone and I am not obsessed with anyone… actually, I look up pretty much everyone that I know – even myself. It is amazing what you can find out via the world wide web (everything from my “confessions” here to my driving record, where luckily tickets drop off after so long!)…

Anyway, back to the point at hand…

My discoveries have recently included one long ago former friend’s progress with home buying (which is something that I have been fighting with for over a year now) as well as with having their first child (which, as a reader of this blog you probably already know, I recently went through the miscarriage of my first child). And honestly, a part of me is jealous (only for the “someone else has what I don’t”) but more of me is happy for the couple and their beginnings. It didn’t really bother me…

I really think that I’ve been able to heal from “the badness”… I don’t dwell on it. I don’t cry (much – anyone who knows me knows that I’ve always been emotionally sensitive, I get that from my mom who is a notorious crier - ♥her). I And I even handle watching Kendra from the Girls Next Door well – we briefly shared the same due date… am looking more towards what I will have as opposed to what I don’t have.

But then… It literally took my breath away – in a moment of crushing sadness mixed with a bit of panic… the posting of a picture… one that I so wanted of my own.
The first ultrasound.

And of course, you can’t even really tell yet that the little blur of a bean in the picture is a baby. But it is. And it was from the first doctor’s visit… and it was a happy experience that they will remember with a smile. For someone else, just not for me.

I truly hope that the couple’s happy times continue… that they & their little family is blessed, joyful and healthy. But I’m fighting against the jealousy.

I evaluate my life and I see those lives around me having what I want so very much (degree, home, babies, etc). I’m just not where I thought I would be by now. And I’m not sure what to do about it all…

Except to remember those things that I want, keep them close and continue to direct my life towards those hopes. And to know that I will succeed, as long as I do not lose sight of the things that are important and keep striving to fulfill the hopes. I will have everything in life that I want. And I will roll on with the good and the bad of life... remembering that everything happens for a reason.

July

Here are some pictures of some of the family (have I mentioned that my mother is one of seven children & my father is one of five? Lots of family to love) over the weekend of July 4th (click for the close up)... Enjoy!
P.S. this is the closest that my sister and I have ever resembled each other (the pic on the lower right corner is of us)... and we still don't look all that much like sisters...

Happy Anniversary, Pam & Glenn!

Tomorrow is my parents' 31st wedding anniversary (yes, I realize that my own anniversary was just this week - we did that on purpose, Michael's parents' anniversary was the week before so ours winds up between the two... we were hoping for some good karma)... anyway, I love this picture of my parents (they are SO young!) and thought I would share in honor of their anniversary.

Happy Anniversary, I love you both so very much!

Happy Anniversary!

Sunday, June 28th will be our first anniversary! It has been a very difficult year. It has been a very "adjusting" year. It has been a very good year.

Through our life trials this year, we have developed as individuals, we have grown closer, our relationship has become stronger - we know and value what each means to the other. Here is to our beginning - may many, many fabulous years follow. I love you, Michael!

Moving Forward

While doing some random internet searching, I found a question that was labeled as "something you should ask yourself to help you through the grief process after a miscarriage"… it caused me to take a moment and think…

How have you been hiding the pain of your loss?
I am not surprised to realize that I did hide the pain of my loss (beyond writing about it here and talking briefly about it to a very small number of close friends )… I am sometimes famous for trying to be the protector of another’s feelings – sometimes to the point of injuring my own emotional well being.

In this case, I told myself that no one wanted to hear of our loss… that people did not want to be reminded of the negatives in life. That many people go through many difficult times – that my loss was insignificant to others. I talked about everyday things – I joked, I laughed, I shared in conversations… and I hid any tears that came on me unexpectedly. I pretended that everything was normal… that everything in life had gone on.

I think that it helps others to believe that I have healed completely. I do not want people to think that I am embracing being the victim or exaggerating my feelings. I did what I perceived others expect me to do - derived from the reactions that I received when I did try to talk about "the badness".

Honestly, I know that everyone realizes that I have been hurt… they just do not know what to say or how to react to my loss. I know that they want me to feel better, and many people believe that if they ignore what happened then I will forget about it sooner or they hope that I have already moved on. I don't blame anyone for this... Lots of people don’t understand that I will not forget about it… that regardless of the future success that I hope to have with our family, I will always remember our “little blueberry” and my first pregnancy, however brief it was… and that the only way I know how to react to our loss is by taking each day as it comes and by trying to remember the good things in life…

It is relatively quiet on campus during the summer… on my down time I will still sometimes look up information about pregnancy (at this point I would have been 14 weeks). I will read about babies’ development for whatever week I would have been. I will sometimes look at belly pictures for that week… honestly, I know that part of me is dwelling on what I do not have, but more than that, I am able to hope for our next child. It sounds very counterproductive and obsessive, I know… but, for me anyway, it has helped.

Even more beneficial to me has been the ability to find others who have similar (or different) stories or even just finding those who have happy stories or just stories about their everyday lives… this is why I am so very fond of the “blognation”… it is therapeutic for me to have personal views into others' lives, to feel others emotions and share in their lives. I have always been that way...

I feel the joy in others’ success. I suffer the sadness in their tragedies. I see the beauty in their survival.

I smile. I cry. I hope. I am not alone.

I have also found that sharing my feelings here has helped… just putting some thoughts and feelings into words has helped me cope. And writing has helped me to bare my feelings to those who care about me (or even complete strangers) – without the fear of judgment on reactions or the fear of saying the wrong thing (for both myself and others)…

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I have many good things in my life that I am appreciating again. I spend time with my friends and family. I talk about everyday things – I joke, I laugh, I share in conversations… and I don't hide tears that may come on me unexpectedly - but they come less and less often. And everything is becoming more "normal"…

I am moving forward in life... I am letting go of more and more of the sadness, while still holding onto the good memories of the happiness of our first pregnancy.