A beautiful life is never perfect

Meredith Clare Lucas

2010-11-19T19:09:00.000-05:00

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Ah, Curiosity...

2009-07-29T14:48:00.005-04:00

I’m too curious for my own good, I’ll admit that. However, in my defense, there is never anything vicious about my nosiness – I am purely addicted to other people’s life stories, I always have been… even when I was little, before I really knew how to be nosy, I was curious about others… even people I didn’t know. When we would go on road trips to some new place, I would often entertain myself by making up stories about the people who lived in the houses that we passed. I happen to think that part of my curiosity is due to the unfulfilled dream of being a writer. Sounds good anyway…

Facebook, Twitter & blogs have done nothing but feed my curiosity. And how many of you can honestly say that you’ve never checked out people you know on one of these sites? Not me… Once again, I’m too curious (ahem, nosy)… please keep in mind that I don’t stalk anyone and I am not obsessed with anyone… actually, I look up pretty much everyone that I know – even myself. It is amazing what you can find out via the world wide web (everything from my “confessions” here to my driving record, where luckily tickets drop off after so long!)…

Anyway, back to the point at hand…

My discoveries have recently included one long ago former friend’s progress with home buying (which is something that I have been fighting with for over a year now) as well as with having their first child (which, as a reader of this blog you probably already know, I recently went through the miscarriage of my first child). And honestly, a part of me is jealous (only for the “someone else has what I don’t”) but more of me is happy for the couple and their beginnings. It didn’t really bother me…

I really think that I’ve been able to heal from “the badness”… I don’t dwell on it. I don’t cry (much – anyone who knows me knows that I’ve always been emotionally sensitive, I get that from my mom who is a notorious crier - ♥her). I And I even handle watching Kendra from the Girls Next Door well – we briefly shared the same due date… am looking more towards what I will have as opposed to what I don’t have.

But then… It literally took my breath away – in a moment of crushing sadness mixed with a bit of panic… the posting of a picture… one that I so wanted of my own.
The first ultrasound.

And of course, you can’t even really tell yet that the little blur of a bean in the picture is a baby. But it is. And it was from the first doctor’s visit… and it was a happy experience that they will remember with a smile. For someone else, just not for me.

I truly hope that the couple’s happy times continue… that they & their little family is blessed, joyful and healthy. But I’m fighting against the jealousy.

I evaluate my life and I see those lives around me having what I want so very much (degree, home, babies, etc). I’m just not where I thought I would be by now. And I’m not sure what to do about it all…

Except to remember those things that I want, keep them close and continue to direct my life towards those hopes. And to know that I will succeed, as long as I do not lose sight of the things that are important and keep striving to fulfill the hopes. I will have everything in life that I want. And I will roll on with the good and the bad of life... remembering that everything happens for a reason.

July

2009-07-20T11:59:00.008-04:00

Here are some pictures of some of the family (have I mentioned that my mother is one of seven children & my father is one of five? Lots of family to love) over the weekend of July 4th (click for the close up)... Enjoy!
P.S. this is the closest that my sister and I have ever resembled each other (the pic on the lower right corner is of us)... and we still don't look all that much like sisters...

Happy Anniversary, Pam & Glenn!

2009-06-30T16:34:00.007-04:00

Tomorrow is my parents' 31st wedding anniversary (yes, I realize that my own anniversary was just this week - we did that on purpose, Michael's parents' anniversary was the week before so ours winds up between the two... we were hoping for some good karma)... anyway, I love this picture of my parents (they are SO young!) and thought I would share in honor of their anniversary.

Happy Anniversary, I love you both so very much!

Happy Anniversary!

2009-06-26T10:33:00.013-04:00

Sunday, June 28th will be our first anniversary! It has been a very difficult year. It has been a very "adjusting" year. It has been a very good year.

Through our life trials this year, we have developed as individuals, we have grown closer, our relationship has become stronger - we know and value what each means to the other. Here is to our beginning - may many, many fabulous years follow. I love you, Michael!

Moving Forward

2009-06-24T14:49:00.024-04:00

While doing some random internet searching, I found a question that was labeled as "something you should ask yourself to help you through the grief process after a miscarriage"… it caused me to take a moment and think…

How have you been hiding the pain of your loss?
I am not surprised to realize that I did hide the pain of my loss (beyond writing about it here and talking briefly about it to a very small number of close friends )… I am sometimes famous for trying to be the protector of another’s feelings – sometimes to the point of injuring my own emotional well being.

In this case, I told myself that no one wanted to hear of our loss… that people did not want to be reminded of the negatives in life. That many people go through many difficult times – that my loss was insignificant to others. I talked about everyday things – I joked, I laughed, I shared in conversations… and I hid any tears that came on me unexpectedly. I pretended that everything was normal… that everything in life had gone on.

I think that it helps others to believe that I have healed completely. I do not want people to think that I am embracing being the victim or exaggerating my feelings. I did what I perceived others expect me to do - derived from the reactions that I received when I did try to talk about "the badness".

Honestly, I know that everyone realizes that I have been hurt… they just do not know what to say or how to react to my loss. I know that they want me to feel better, and many people believe that if they ignore what happened then I will forget about it sooner or they hope that I have already moved on. I don't blame anyone for this... Lots of people don’t understand that I will not forget about it… that regardless of the future success that I hope to have with our family, I will always remember our “little blueberry” and my first pregnancy, however brief it was… and that the only way I know how to react to our loss is by taking each day as it comes and by trying to remember the good things in life…

It is relatively quiet on campus during the summer… on my down time I will still sometimes look up information about pregnancy (at this point I would have been 14 weeks). I will read about babies’ development for whatever week I would have been. I will sometimes look at belly pictures for that week… honestly, I know that part of me is dwelling on what I do not have, but more than that, I am able to hope for our next child. It sounds very counterproductive and obsessive, I know… but, for me anyway, it has helped.

Even more beneficial to me has been the ability to find others who have similar (or different) stories or even just finding those who have happy stories or just stories about their everyday lives… this is why I am so very fond of the “blognation”… it is therapeutic for me to have personal views into others' lives, to feel others emotions and share in their lives. I have always been that way...

I feel the joy in others’ success. I suffer the sadness in their tragedies. I see the beauty in their survival.

I smile. I cry. I hope. I am not alone.

I have also found that sharing my feelings here has helped… just putting some thoughts and feelings into words has helped me cope. And writing has helped me to bare my feelings to those who care about me (or even complete strangers) – without the fear of judgment on reactions or the fear of saying the wrong thing (for both myself and others)…

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I have many good things in my life that I am appreciating again. I spend time with my friends and family. I talk about everyday things – I joke, I laugh, I share in conversations… and I don't hide tears that may come on me unexpectedly - but they come less and less often. And everything is becoming more "normal"…

I am moving forward in life... I am letting go of more and more of the sadness, while still holding onto the good memories of the happiness of our first pregnancy.

A Beautiful Life is Never Perfect

2009-06-18T16:04:00.023-04:00

I don’t really know how to write about this, except from the heart and with as few tears as I can manage… I am sure that there are those who don’t want to hear the sadness. However, I did name this blog “A Beautiful Life is Never Perfect” and life’s imperfections are often sad… I need a release from these thoughts and feelings that have stayed within me over the last few weeks, so I’m going to voice them with the hopes of finding some closure – how very little it might be…
It was my very first pregnancy… not planned, but definitely wanted. We received our happy (SHOCKING) news on April 27th – an early birthday present for my husband, Michael. We were so excited that we told our immediate family – I was approximately 6 weeks along. People say that you should keep the secret until you are out of the First Trimester, with good reason, but we weren’t quite able to do that…

I called my doctor’s office the next morning to schedule my first appointment where they would run all of the tests needed and we would be able to see our baby via the ultrasound. The appointment wasn’t until the 26th of May – an eternity away for us… I couldn’t wait to know that everything was alright, that the baby was growing, to hear the heartbeat and see the ultrasound!

In the meantime, I took my prenatal vitamins, I read “What to Expect”, I ate healthier and walked more… I also dealt with the strange changes in my body – the tiredness, nausea, breast changes, carpel tunnel (I had never even heard of that!), and so on… actually, besides a couple of things, I was really enjoying being pregnant – my body actually felt better in a lot of ways. I also purchased a baby names book – we had already started kicking around some ideas on names. All in all, we were very happy – a little stressed and still scared, but happy. Everyone was excited; the grandparents-to-be happily spread our news.

And then...

On May 25th (Memorial Day) I was spotting… no cramping, just some very light brown bleeding. And I immediately felt as though something was terribly wrong… but all of the books and all of the people that I asked said that some spotting was normal, even with a little cramping. And no one seemed too concerned… except for Michael & I. It just didn’t feel right anymore – no matter how optimistic we were trying to be and how hard we prayed.

The next day was our first OB appointment… I ended up taking the full day off of work (I was still spotting) and Michael and I went to the appointment that afternoon. I spoke to my doctor about my concerns; they did my blood work and other tests, and then brought Michael in for the ultrasound. At which point, what I call “the badness” began…

“I’m sorry, but there is no baby” says my doctor… I ask him how that could be with all of the symptoms and tests. “What I meant to say is that there is no heartbeat. You were pregnant, but the baby should be larger than it is and there is no heartbeat.”

One of the worst experiences in my life is laying there, crying, and watching the screen while my doctor searches for a heartbeat that isn’t there… And then my Michael held me as I broke down.

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My options, as they were explained to me, at this point were to: (1) Let Nature (and God) take care of me (2) Assist the natural course with prescribed medication (3) Surgery, aka D&C... also, I was advised that miscarriages are not uncommon - with almost 20% of all pregnancies ending this way, most within the first 12 weeks. If you have had a miscarriage during your first pregnancy, your chances of another miscarriage are 10-13%.

My doctor said to call him if the bleeding became worse or if I were in pain - also, that he wanted to talk to me again in a couple of days to let him know what I had decided was the best course of action. So Michael and I went home... carrying hearts full of sadness, each trying to support the other.

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The next day, we talked about it. We said and heard the things we were supposed to: everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, it only happened because there was something wrong with the baby, we’ll get pregnant again and everything will be perfect, it is something a lot of people have to go through, and at least it happened early on… but it still hurt.

And then the awful physical pain and bleeding began… by far the worst pain I have ever had in my life. Because this was my first pregnancy, and therefore my first (please God, let it be the ONLY) miscarriage, I had no idea what to expect. From most of what I little I had read on miscarriage, I was expecting something like a hard period. For many women, this is what they experience. And for others, they experience what I did – natural labor without the reward of bringing life into the world at the end.

When the pain started, it was on the evening of the 27th and it didn’t become unbearable until about 7pm… at which point Michael took me to the emergency room. An hour later, I received two shots of morphine which took my pain from 10 out of 10 to 9 out of 10. Luckily, I also received percocet’s two hours later which took away most of the remaining pain. The emergency room staff made things harder for me instead of easing my worry (with advice such as “IF you are even miscarrying, you aren’t even dilated, the pain and bleeding will be much, MUCH worse” and, to answer my question of why it was so bad, “bringing a child into the world is hard” – except I wasn't bringing a child into the world... horrible bedside manner), but at least they did take away my pain and called my OBGYN – who asked that I see him the next morning, unless I needed him in the meantime.

And bless my sister, Lauren, for being there with us… I don’t know what we would have done without her! We spent that night at my parents (bless them, too), both of us feeling like scared children and not knowing what else to do…

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The next morning, I saw my doctor. Waiting to be seen, there were two other happy couples – obviously very pregnant, glowing, one toddler in tow. The nurses ended up taking me out of the waiting room because I couldn’t help but cry… During my examination, he advised me that everything was STARTING at that moment… luckily, that meant that there was no need for surgery and I was able to leave his office with most of the physical experience behind me.

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The emotional experience may never be completely behind me… it has been a mere three weeks since my miscarriage. I still cry once a day for what I have lost. I feel empty. And I fight the depression.

But I am fighting it. And I am living. And I am finding joy again… Michael and I are surviving - he has been so wonderful in helping me deal with our tragedy. And one day we will have everything… and we will be able to look back at the “badness” knowing that this imperfect time has brought us through to appreciate life’s beauty even more.